*2000-04-28 - 13:16:34*

I started off apologizing for yesterday. Then I realized, why should I apologize? That was what was running through my head at that moment. Yesterday I baked. That's all I did. I was in a bad mood for a spell, but got better. Yesterday was a wasted day, pretty much. Today is a different story.

I just got finished reading Gella's post. I know how she feels. Not about the Palestine/Israel thing, but about being ashamed of her Judaism. I go to a conservative synagogue. I went to Hebrew school there. By the time high school started I was still going to Hebrew school, with the same old Jewish peers. However, freshman year in a different school then everybody else opened my eyes to other people and other views. I realized that year that I wasn't like my Jewish peers at all. They were one way, I was another. My Mom's mentality was that "You're Jewish, so stick together." But I didn't want to stick with any of my Jewish peers. When I was a sophomore I quit Hebrew School. I wasn't getting anything out of it.

Now, at my synagogue, there are two types of people. The "Modern" Jews, and the different ones. The Modern Jews are the ones that wear the decorative Tallits, and chat and gossip, and sing along with everyone on the prayers, and attend services as if it were some obligation. The different ones are just that. They are different. They feel differently about coming to schul, and participating in the services. The different ones always seem to find on another. The Modern Jews just float around.

I've started to attend Saturday morning services, because I like them. Not too many people go to them, after all, it is Saturday morning. There's a guy there who harmonizes with everyone while we sing the prayers. It makes the prayers sound better somehow. I don't always know what I'm singing, but it feels good. It's during those Saturday morning services that I feel really good and proud about being a Jew, and that there is hope for everything.

I've started to dread Holiday services. Everyone attends those. When we sing the prayers, they sound dead, routine. I can't hear the guy who harmonizes. He's drowned out by the masses. When I get bored of hearing all the flat sounding prayers, I go out into the lobby, only to be disheartened more. All the Modern Jews are out there, socializing, gossiping, and making sure their screaming kids don't kill each other. It's at times like these when I feel ashamed of being Jewish, and I think that Judaism may be dying out after all. Those thoughts make me sad.

Now, I don't know much about anything, but I do know that religion, any kind of religion, has to be a feeling. Something that you always feel a part of. Not just a face you put on at proper times, like make up. The Modern Jews all wear their Jewish make up, but do they really feel anything? I don't know. I just know that sometimes I can't stand them, although I accept them, because it's just how they grew up. Their views are valid; they just aren't the same as mine. Maybe I'm being snobbish, hypocritical, and small-minded, but that's how I feel.

Wow, I'm so glad I got that off my chest. I've probably set myself up to be flamed, but c'est la vie. These are my opinions and I'm entitled to them. Now, opinion of the moment: My computer is a piece of crap. C-R-A-P. It shuts down for no reason, it doesn't funny stuff whether I'm online or not, and it doesn't play well with my Zip Drive. Sometimes I seriously think that my computer is possessed by a demon. Other times I love my computer, because it actually did something right. I've called my computer names that I was proud I even though of. Computers are the epitome of a love/hate relationship. Right now my computer can go straight to hell, but maybe in 10 minutes I will love my computer so much that I couldn't picture life without it. The roller coaster of emotions over a hunk of plastic and metal. Goodness, what are humans coming too? (Come on, I know you've had these thoughts running through your head before.)