*2000-06-22 - 05:47:54*

Sometimes I really despise myself. I'm a quiet person. I don't speak up until prompted, or unless I must voice my opinion or ideas. When I'm having a conversation with a person, I'm usually a more of a listener then a talker. I don't really rant and rave when I speak, because I don't like "forcing" my veiws on people. I do not mind at all when other people tell me their veiws on matters, I find that fasinating, but I don't like expressing my own unless I need to, or unless I'm asked. Actually, when I'm with a friend my toungue gets a bit looser in the way of talking/ranting/etc. but that's about it. I'm in constant fear that when I speak, or when I don't say anything that I have made a(n) (insert degrading name here) out of myself. It's a horrible way to be, and I realize that some people may want to hear my ideas as much as I want to hear theirs, but I do it anyway, and I drives my parents crazy, and me crazier. A good example of a bad time to keep my mouth shut is this week with my English teacher.

My English teacher told us our 4th quarter grades and final grades on Monday. Some how she had failed about 80% of the class. I knew she was wrong, I knew that the reasons she gave me for my "F" were not correct at all, but I didn't speak up. I wanted to make absolutely sure that I was right and that my teacher, whom I revered, had made a mistake. So yesterday (Wednesday) I got up the balls to confront her. I had reviewed my old papers and decided that there was no way I could have gotten an "F". So I went to her, and asked to see my grades again, so I could check them in front of her. She replied "I'm sorry, I've already turned in my book. Sorry." Well, there was nothing else I could do, I left, hoping that this was just some elaborate joke.

I told my Dad that night. I had already told my Mom, and she was immediatly of the opinion that it was the teacher's fault. I said that it was also partially mine, I should have been more aggressive in finding out if I was missing anything, yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, I told my Dad. He and my Mom went on a tirade about how I should learn to speak up and defend myself, and they're not going to do it for me, and this is what'll be like when I get to college, nothing I didn't already know. I still felt horrible about my own shortcomings, and I think they could see that, so the stopped fairly quickly. I'm lucky to have parents who notice when their child has had enough, and stop, or slow down.

So, that's why, last night as I was trying to sleep, I examined my mind, to see what was going on. The old motto, "Know thyself." Well, I figgured that I'd better see what's going on. It's interesting to screen your mind. I got all these images on what's going on, and I knew I had to do something. The first thing that came to my mind is the quote that runs something along the lines of "If one doesn't complain, one loses all emotion." or something like that. It is a real quote, and if I remember I'll write it in here someday. Then I saw a couple other things which won't be typed here. All in all, I was afraid that if I didn't start speaking up, didn't start speaking my mind, didn't start speaking to others in general, that I was going to lose something. And I am one who hates to lose anything, especially if it's a part of who I am/can be. That's what was one my mind last night.

In other news, the turtles are back. During the summer the turtles have to cross busy bridges and roads in order to procreate. So far, I have not seen any turtles. My Dad says that he saved one and saw one squashed. It makes me mad that people can't be more careful when driving. You only have to watch out for turtles, how hard can that be? They've got enough predators to worry about while also worrying about whether or not they can cross the road in enough time to avoid being squished by a man-made vehicle. All I'm saying is that PLEASE, if you are driving down a road and you see a turtle (or any other animal for that matter), try to avoid it. It really pisses me off when I see road kill of any kind, but especially turtles. I love turtles, and they only come out once a year. If you see a turtle that looks like it's struggling or dazed, pick it up (by the shell) and put it on the side of the road it was facing. Most likely you've just helped it out. If you are worried about germs, a good wash of the hands, or the anti-bacterial hand stuff does the trick. We are humans, it was/still is our job to take care of all the little critters, and the big ones too for that matter.

Opinion of the moment:

It's 6:30, I should get ready for school. It's the last day. I wonder what my classes will be like. Proably just sitting around, chit-chatting with the teachers and the few students that actually came. Tomorrow, I am taking an early morning bike ride, and nothing is gonna stop me.