*2001-04-29 - 10:32 p.m.*

Well, I can't concentrate on Chem. I've been studying it pretty much all day. I'm not cut out to be a chemist, that's for damn sure. And I'm seriouly doubting myself being a good doctor. And this whole spring fever shit is getting to me. Right now I'm feeling frustrated, anxious, not cheery, and just not that good. Chemistry is a big part of this. Relationships and spring is another.

The Chemistry you all know. I'm not the best Chem student in the world. I love it, but I'm not good at it, and don't know why.

I'm fearing that I'm turning into a flake. A bimbo. A superficial girl. That frightens me. Why do I feel this way? Well, I'm tell you. This has been on my mind since the weather turned warm enough to start wearing spring clothes. And the thought is this:

I want a boyfriend.

I don't need one, but g-d, I want one. My problem is this, I'm extremely picky. I can be friends with a guy no problem, and I am pals with a bunch of them. But pretty much none of them I'd consider a boyfriend. Only one, and you know who he is, and he's not looking for anyone at the moment. So, I must wait. I can wait. I've been waiting.

I'm sick of waiting.

I'm almost 18 years old. I have yet to kiss a guy. My uncle once asked me if I was a lesbian. Up until this year, I didn't really care about guys at all. They were people, like me. I didn't need one, or want one to have a relationship with. This year it's a completely different story. It's Lauren's influence, I know that, but it's also me. I want a guy I can hug and kiss and tell him I love him, and have him love me back.

But I can't find one.
And the weather's warm.
And I have a good self image.
And I'm happy in pretty much everything else.

Sometimes I wish I can just go back to being 9th grade me, who uttered a curse word once every 10 days, didn't want or need a boyfriend, and didn't care how she looked.

Except that she knew she was overweight.
She *knew* she wasn't pretty.
She *knew* no guys would ever like her.
Which was shy she didn't care about them.

I'm trying to find the happy medium. I know there has to be one. But at least this got a lot of frustration out of me.

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