*08.11.2002 - 11:36 a.m.*

Yes, I am still alive.

I haven't written at all because there really hasn't been much to write about...at least not in a public diary. I might do something similar to what Lori did, becasue, honestly, knowing that my family reads this diary does make me censor myself. I know that it's just their way of checking up on me, but it's kind of annoying.

I haven't written anything since February.

"Oh come on, Steph. I know you haven't written in your diary for awhile, but you have made a few entries since February."

No, I mean in my notebook. I was looking through my notebook, and there's nothing in there. Doodles of letters. Nothing with substance. I haven't written anything decent since February. I don't know why.

I'm also starting to see how stupid I really am. Maybe stupid isn't the right word. Maybe naive is better. I'm definitely naive. I use to think that I knew things, that I had people mostly figured out. And my friends can tell you, then when it comes to knowing other people, I can know a person pretty quickly. When it comes to myself...I'm clueless. I've spent so much time trying to figure out others, that I've completely neglected figuring out myself. The result? A lot of confusion. I'm confused about myself, and what I am going to do with my life. I know what I want in really broad terms...it's the specifics that are getting me.

This entire summer I've worked. I went to New Orleans in the begining to see my Dad graduate from Tulane Masters Program, but then I started working. Forty hours a week (sometimes more), I work. Yes, I like the amount of money I'm making, and yes, I really love my job, but my summer has flown by. In two weeks I go back to school. I haven't even sat down to figure out my major situation yet.

In some ways this summer, has been one of the best ones ever. I've been working, I'm in love and a loving relationship, and I've met some great people. In other ways, this summer has put me into a deeper realm of confusion then I thought I could go. I don't know what my new major is gonna to be, I don't know what I'm going to do for a career, and I don't know how this next semester is gonna pan out.

One thing is for sure, I'm not going to fuck up, grade wise. That killed me last year. Not so much that my GPA is down to sea level, but I doubted myself in a way that I never have before. This semester I have to prove to myself that I'm not wasted potential. I want to make Dean's List. I want to make my parents happy. I want my Dad to know, not think, know that the money he is spending on my education is not going down the crapper.

As hard as I've been working this summer, I have to work doubley hard during the school year.

And now, I have to go make my dinner.