*04.05.2004 - 2:07 a.m.*

Well, it's 2am and I can't sleep.

I don't know why.

I know that my legs hurt...my feet hurt...my teeth hurt...I've got papers out the wazoo to do...and my motivation's gone down the toilet. I feel like I back in kindergarten and they are forcing us to write our ABCs every night. My Mom says that getting me to do that was like pulling teeth.

Every now and again I have to bitch slap myself saying "STEPH! Pull yourself together! This isn't kindergarten, this is college! You're life is decided NOW. If you fuck this up, you will never get anywhere." and that fucking scares me. But there is so much work to do, and so little time. Something is always in the back of my head. I can't let my mind rest, when I'm awake. If I'm awake there's always something that needs to be done. And now, my brain is robbing me of sleep.

Passover starts tomorrow, and after that is a week of watching every morsal of food that goes in my mouth. Great. I wish summer was here already. I wish I knew 100% certain that we have a house. I wish I knew what classes I will be taking. I wish I had some piece of mind!

It's times like this when I envy people. People who have a life, and it may not be stable, but at least they have piece of mind every once in a while. I don't have that. Something always needs to be done. Either finding a house, making endless appointments, writing paper after paper after paper, and taking exam after exam...knowing that I only have a month until finals.

I need a 3.5 this semester.

I need a 3.5 this semester.

This is not negotiable. I need a 3.5. I have to prove to myself that I am not completely incompetant. That I am not a total flake.

Why can't I just rest?